Disgaea Mayhem Review - A Grind So Endless It Aged Me in Dog Years

https://youtu.be/DP21XrJPcvg?si=x04UXV-YioLfhSdp

I had a first-grade teacher– Mrs. Way– who used to say, “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.”

So, in the spirit of Mrs. Way, let’s just sit here and not say anything.

Need more, huh? Here’s my shot at being more diplomatic: it has been a while since a game has so thoroughly sapped my will to live while playing it.  

Alright, here’s another go at it: I didn’t care for the game, but I’m ready to believe it has a dedicated audience that would die for it– and will SWAT me for bashing it.  But I have to be honest about my experience.

I have never played any of the other games in the franchise, and I apologize to those who have followed it since they were younger and life was better.  But, if you were to ask me if I’d ever give the series another go, I’ll tell you the same thing I tell my cashier when they ask if I want to round up for children’s health: Hell no.

First, the story.  I well and truly understand that I’m coming into this with barely any context for what’s going on, so I can be more than accommodating.  You play as a mercenary named N.A, recently taken on a job in the land of Super Duper to recover pieces of flan stolen from the princess.

It’s not Mark Twain, but that’s actually the strongest part of the game.  

Look, I like nonsensical, silly stories as much as the next fella.  And I get what Mayhem is going for; its subtitle is well-earned.  The land– again, named Super Duper – is noxiously effervescent and, frankly, relentlessly giddier than the Kool-Aid with a one-way ticket to Jonestown.  You can get a sugar-high just looking at this game.

N.A. is a foil for his surroundings, meant to be the player’s window.  He himself hates it there, as he repeatedly mentions ad nauseam for the first acts of the game.  In that way, yes, he fills his role spectacularly because I can’t help but agree with him.  

Anyway, this flan is special; the princess literally brings peace to the kingdom with it.  There’s a message in there about bringing people together with kindness, which at least is something for the young people to take away from it.  That is, if they can pay attention to…err….what were we talking about?

I will say, there’s a wide array of colorfully designed characters to interact with.  They all look distinct, even if there isn’t too much else separating them.

All that is whatever.  But the gameplay itself is where my anti-depressants get a chance to shine.  The first level is pretty simple: go out there and use your handful of attacks and powers to kill a couple dozen weak enemies and then a sub-boss.  The objective: Pulverize those Pesky Monsters.  Right on, pretty cool, I beat it and now I’m ready for the real game.

Second level, oh, we’re doing this again.  In the same, self-contained location.  Well, what’s the objective this time?

Pulverize those Pesky Monsters.

Oh, jeez.  Well, alright we’re taking this ride around the block again.  No problem.

Third one– Pulverize those Pesky Monsters.  Wait, am I accidentally repeating the same level?  No, I’m definitely doing the right ones.  Well, surely they can’t all be–

Pulverize those Pesky Monsters.

Pulverize those Pesky Monsters.

Pulverize those Pesky Monsters.

Pulverize those Pesky Monsters!

Pulverize those Pesky Monsters!!

PULVERIZE THOSE PESKY MONSTERS!!!

Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow, creeps in this petty pace from day to day, to the last syllable of recorded time.  It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

Hours.  And hours.  And hours.  Dropping into a cramped, empty zone, pulverizing hordes of weak pesky monsters, then capping it off with a stronger sub-boss.  Only to do it again– for a story reason I forgot about.  It doesn’t matter.  Go in, go to town on dozens of grunts, come back, update your equipment, do it again.

I was staring at my screen with my now typical thousand-yard stare, when my 3-year-old came up to me, full of life and joy.  He asked me to play with him.  I turned my head slowly, like a prisoner hearing something pleasant for the first time, distrustful of it actually being there, and said:

“I’m sorry.  I can’t.  I’m doing something important.  I have to pulverize these pesky monsters.  Go ask your mom.”

His shoulders fell, as well as his smile, and he slinked away– knowing his dad would rather do something he hates than be with him.

I don’t care for the gameplay, is what I’m trying to say.  I think it’s really boring and unrewarding.  One of the greatest sins a game can commit is not respecting the player’s time, and I felt like my time was wasted.  

The first chunk of the game sees you tracking down 5 or 6 “big bosses,” with each boss having 4 or 5 levels running up to them… levels that are just, you know, “pulverize the monsters.”  So that’s, what, thirty levels of the same thing?  Things have to shift gears after that, right?  They have to.  I did what you wanted!  I gave you everything I had!  

Well, the flan got stolen again and you gotta do it all over again, this time with 4 big bosses.

Mrs. Way would be very disappointed in me right now.  

What are we doing?!  What kind of lives are these!?  It’s grinding with nowhere to go.  I’m with N.A: I want to get the hell out of here as fast as I can.  Other games?  Yeah, I could be doing more important things, but I see them as investments in my mental health, right?  This one… truly… ugh.  It’s not my definition of a swell time.

To be fair, okay, to be fair… there are a couple of other mechanics you can use as diversions– like the Dark Assembly.  Dark Confectioner Assembly, I think?  It’s basically a parliamentary chamber where you propose upgrades and various things that could affect gameplay.  Like, “make the store better,” or “reset my level back to 1.”  You can take everyone’s temperature and get a feel for how they’re going to vote, then bribe them to help your odds.  If your vote fails, you can either straight up pay money to pass the bill, or beat everyone into submission.  Just like real politics.  I’ll be honest, I passed a bill that opened up a cheat vendor in the castle, and I cranked my earned XP all the way up just so I didn’t have to grind as much.  If it’s in the game, it’s not really cheating!  

There’s also a quasi-Pokemon system in there.  You can capture monsters, or “buddies,” and take them along with you on missions.  They can grant you special attacks and whatnot in combat.  Some are useful, some are not.  

Not a whole lot of odds and ends to cover.  Of note was how, even though I played with an Xbox controller, the controller inputs showed PlayStation symbols.  So.  Just gotta calibrate your brain if it’s not fixed by release.  It did nothing to affect my experience.

Shoutouts?  I dunno.  The soundtrack is fine and the art design is more than adequate.  Sound engineering is nice.  It sounds punchy and fills up your speakers in much the same way the bold color palette fills your screen.  It’s bright and vibrant, and if you need some virtual vitamin D, then maybe this could be good for you.  Second-screen this and watch that movie you’ve been putting off.  

Rainouts?  Well, I mean… probably just listen to the review again.

The takeaway: I didn’t care for Disgaea Mayhem, and I apologize to anyone with a lot riding on this.  I’m probably wrong on some counts; in my experience, if you hate something this much, you’re probably not getting something.  But I dunno, man.  I’m just going to say I don’t get it.

If you get it, then that’s great.  Buy this game right now and live your best life.  I’m just a man who doesn’t know what he’s doing.  So.  Yeah.  I would give this game a Krampus, but in the spirit of accepting that I may just be missing something… I’m giving it a

BROKEN LAMP.

Below Average