Date Everything! Review: The WEIRDEST Dating Sim You’ll EVER Play!?

A game allowing you to Date Everything might sound like a promise that simply cannot be kept, but once you pop on your magical glasses and start to wander around your house, you realize that you quite literally can date it all, from your cat clock to the very concept of electricity. But will you and this game be a perfect match, or will you wish you’d never swiped right on it at all?

Date Everything is much like other dating sims out there, only the sexy beings you’re chatting to are all the personification of various household objects, pieces of furniture, food, and maybe even the very concept of electricity. The entire cast of dateables (of which there are 100) are voiced by a very talented cast of voice actors, some of whom are absolute powerhouses in the gaming industry, and even though they are all inanimate objects… they’re all pretty hot… just saying.

But Ashton, I hear you shout, why can we talk to the objects? What is the science here? Well, it is simple really, thanks to a mysterious stranger sending you a mysterious set of glasses after you were put on leave from your brand new job at mysterious bad corporation Valdivian. These glasses, which are also able to be flirted with, help you to interact with 5 objects per day to explore your relationship with them and maybe even get some kisses.

The more you chat to the cast of characters, the better (or worse) your relationship can get, with you having the ability to be just friends, romantic partners, or mortal enemies with every dateable you encounter. With every step up of your relationship, you’ll add points to your ‘S.P.E.C.S’ skill tree that will unlock additional talking points and abilities to make dating your favorite objects even easier. 

Some dateables are easy to find as they’re objects dotted about your house; however, some may require a bit more sleuthing, which, luckily for you, can be aided by Maggie the magnifying glass and her ‘Roomers,’ a tab on your phone with clues as to how you may encounter dateables that you have either met in passing in one of the locations like the ‘Breaker Box’ club or that someone has mentioned to you during your chats.

Every dateable is different in personality, look, and required affection, and there is sure to be someone for everyone no matter how specific your taste in partners might be. And if you are someone who would prefer their romance without any of the sexual elements, there is a content filter that can be toggled if you feel the conversations might be too much for you…or if perhaps, the idea of your sex toy coming to life and trying to flirt with you makes you uncomfy. 

Both the dateables' names and outfits are perfect signifiers of the items they are representations of. Some of my personal favorites have been Luke Nukem (the microwave), Timothy Timepiece (the rather annoying cat clock), and Michell Lin (the personification of food).

The voice cast in the game is, as previously mentioned, insane, with characters being voiced by Laura Bailey, Ben Starr, Ashley Burch, Erika Iishi, and more, so you know for a fact that when these pretty characters try to flirt with you, they do a bloody good job. They, along with the very good narration, bring so much life to the still images of all of the dateables, really giving them all such a unique identity. 

Speaking of what the game looks like, the Dateviator glasses (official name) give the world a very colorful aesthetic with shimmering details, giving the whole thing a very fantastical energy. Plus, whenever you take the glasses off, the world becomes duller and less interesting, very much encouraging us to keep our glasses on and live in the fantasy world of lurve. This world also changes based on the choices you make during the game.

Aside from the overall look of the game, I feel the need to give a special shout-out to the character designers that worked on this game. There are over 11,000 hand-drawn images of all these characters, and every single one of them is so perfectly done. Their objectification is so subtle that you could be forgiven for not remembering that the beautiful woman who is very desperate to sleep with you is, in fact, your bed. Every design is so clever and will have you noticing more and more details with every chat you have with them.

During my time with the game, I didn’t encounter any bugs or glitches, and despite the lack of accessibility options, the size and quality of the subtitles, the simple and clearly laid-out menus and controls, and the fact you can take the game at your own pace will hopefully make up for the lack of options.

Overall, I had a fantastic time with the game, and I am sure those of you who love a dating sim or a game that you can giggle your way through will have a fantastic time exploring your relationships with this quirky cast of characters. I found it hard to tear myself away and will be playing through the game again to see if I can get some different endings… and maybe even make the idea of a Nightmare fall in love with me.

ESSENTIAL